No, I'm not talking about pesticide.  I'm talking about the book TED* (The Empowerment Dynamic by David Emerald) and his Dreaded Drama Triangle which he patterned after Karpman's Drama Triangle.  It's a social model that is used to map conflicted or drama-intense relationship transactions.  The Karpman Drama Triangle models the connection between personal responsibility and power in conflicts, and the destructive and shifting roles people play.  Here's a picture that gives you the general idea:     Oh, when I think of how many times I ended up on here throughout the years.  I'll let you guess which role I usually started in!  But, as the theory states we shift roles around the triangle on a regular basis. The Drama triangle is the stuff movies and songs are made of; every good tear jerker has a villain, a hero and a victim.  Sounds kind of familiar--doesn't it?  And, those songs--OH those "killing-me-softly-with-his-words" songs that are crafted by master lyricists.  One of my recent favorite artists who does this incredibly well is Ed Sheeran. I love Ed's voice and his music.  He's a good old fashioned story teller and he lays his heart out in his songs.  I just caught one of his songs off his relatively recently released album, "Divide."  The lyrics are below, but you've got to listen to him sing it because his voice adds the necessary dimensions of sadness, longing, awareness, resoluteness, and all those other emotions you experience when you're on the Drama Triangle. If you want to listen to it, here's the link from YouTube: [embed]https://youtu.be/qXM0JdAwabU[/embed]

Save Myself

Ed Sheeran  

I gave all my oxygen to people that could breathe

I gave away my money and now we don't even speak

I drove miles and miles, but would you do the same for me?

Oh, honestly?

Offered off my shoulder just for you to cry upon

Gave you constant shelter and a bed to keep you warm

They gave me the heartache and in return I gave a song

It goes on and on

[Chorus] Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels

I drown it with a drink and out-of-date prescription pills

And all the ones that love me they just left me on the shelf

No farewell

So before I save someone else, I've got to save myself

I gave you all my energy and I took away your pain

'Cause human beings are destined to radiate or drain

What line do we stand upon 'cause from here looks the same?

And only scars remain

[Chorus) Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels

I drown it with a drink and out-of-date prescription pills

And all the ones that love me they just left me on the shelf

No farewell

So before I save someone else, I've got to save myself

But if don't

Then I'll go back

To where I'm rescuing a stranger

Just because they needed saving just like that

Oh, I'm here again

Between the devil and the danger

But I guess it's just my nature

My dad was wrong

'Cause I'm not like my mum

'Cause she'd just smile and I'm complaining in a song

But it helps

So before I save someone else

I've got to save myself

[Chorus] Life can get you down so I just numb the way it feels

I drown it with a drink and out-of-date prescription pills

And all the ones that love me they just left me on the shelf

No farewell

So before I save someone else, I've got to save myself

And before I blame someone else, I've got to save myself

And before I love someone else, I've got to love myself

  Want to guess which role he's playing on the DDT?  The language kind of gives it away although you could make an argument that his lyrics indicate shades of all three.   According to my coach, rescuers get burned out and I was curious enough about that (I wonder why?!?) to read more.  Here's what I found online:  
The term burnout usually refers to an exhaustion and mental collapse at work, prompting a person to change professions.  It results from a person approaching their work as a Rescuer and repeatedly ending up as a Victim in the Drama Triangle.  Usually they are in the game of "I'm Only Trying to Help You" in which unsolicited work is done for ungrateful people.  In time, the Rescuer begins to feel like a Victim--frustrated, unappreciated and unsorted--burned out.
  It sort of sounds like the song, doesn't it?  Can anyone out there relate????  Oh, I have a sneaking suspicion you do!        
I was trying to catch up on my Richard Rohr blog posts or at least place the new sub-theme this week in context.  Rohr takes a theme for an entire year and builds it out in sub-themes that he tackles each week or every couple weeks.  This week's theme is "Connecting with Universal Meaning."  I was intrigued enough to read on. After reading his post, I decided to listen to his 8 minute video introducing the theme for the year (2017) which is "From the Bottom Up."  There were several things he said during that video that inspired me to blog.  Yes, I know it's been a while.  I did have a vacation in there to Scotland...which is where my feature picture came from for today's SWOG blog entry.  Eilean Donan Castle is my favorite spot in the Highlands of Scotland and we were fortunate to have the sun come out just before we got there. But, I digress... Back to Rohr.  So back in the late 1990's all the world was talking about "paradigm shifts."  It was becoming an overused phrase and many CEO business leaders would suffer a gag reflex when someone in their HR or OD areas would use it.  So swallow hard, because I'm about to pontificate on our own personal "paradigm shifts!" Rohr quotes the author Thomas Kuhn who popularized the phrase, and it goes like this:
A paradigm shift becomes necessary when the plausibility structure of the previous paradigm becomes so full of holes and patchwork "fixes" that a complete overhaul, which once looked utterly threatening, now appears as a lifeline.
That quote really hit me as important in the journey of life.  We all create our own stories.  We create our own paradigms as we go through life.  Our stories are written initially by early influencers like parents, relatives, teachers, coaches and those who teach us and mold us according to their stories for navigating life.  Our stories help us choose and then rationalize actions and behaviors in accordance to our story.  We practice our politics and our religion according to the story we've adopted.  We choose our friends, our mates, our homes, our jobs according to the story we've crafted for ourselves. And here's the thing that nobody tells you early on in your story creation:  The story changes.  Yes, it does.  The story changes because something usually happens to us that makes us question our neatly created and well-maintained story. And, as the author says above, "when the plausibility structure of the previous paradigm (read here: story) becomes so full of holes and patchwork 'fixes' (read here: when we can no longer fit current events into our old story)... a complete overhaul now appears as a lifeline." This seemed to be saying to me:  Grab the lifeline.  Be flexible with your story.  Stay open to a different way of looking at things--including yourself.  Stay open to a different way of being.  Stay open to listening to the cues that prompt you to a different way of relating...to yourself...to others...to your spirituality. I think this is the underpinning of vertical adult stage development.  When your way of making meaning in life is no longer working for you; when it "becomes so full of holes;" it may be time for a personal paradigm shift.  There's a quote that goes, "Change your story, change your life."  I know that can work, too.  But, sometimes your life changes first and then your story doesn't seem quite right. Is it time to update the edition of your story?  I wonder how many editions we will write until it's all said and done?  
A week or two ago, someone on the Georgetown Listserv advertised these artwork "posters" from Society6 to help remind people of some sound advice during these uncertain times.  I could not resist purchasing one.     For those that can't see the verbiage, here's what it says:

THIS IS YOUR ASSIGNMENT

Feel all the things.  Feel the hard things.  The inexplicable things. The things that make you disavow humanity's capacity for redemption.  Feel all the maddening paradoxes.  Feel overwhelmed, crazy.  Feel uncertain.  Feel angry.  Feel afraid.  Feel Powerless.  Feel Frozen.  And THEN

FOCUS

Pick up your pen.  Pick up your paint brush.  Pick up your damn chin.  Put your two calloused hands on the turntables, in the clay, on the strings.  Get behind the camera.  Look for that pinprick of LIGHT.  Look for the TRUTH (yes it is a thing--it still exists).  FOCUS on THAT LIGHT.  ENLARGE IT.  REVEAL THE FIERCE ENERGY OF NOW.  Reveal how shattered we are, how capable of being repaired.  But don't lament the break.  Nothing new would be built if things were never broken.  A wise man once said:  There's a crack in everything.  That's how the light gets in.

GET AFTER THAT LIGHT.

THIS IS YOUR ASSIGNMENT

Here's the link to the Society6 site and the FOCUS print in particular:  https://society6.com/product/focus-by-courtney-martin-and-wendy-macnaughton_print#s6-7018448p4a1v45

I think it was Deepak Chopra that said something like (and I am going from memory so I'm likely paraphrasing):

When going through a difficult time ask the questions, "What am I supposed to learn from this?  What is this here to teach me?"

It's worth pondering.  Peace and blessings.

Being a Superhero

Somehow the day after the Free Comic Book Giveaway seemed like a good time to talk about indestructibility.  We often think of superheroes like Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman in those terms.  They've been through all sorts of dangerous plots and still come out the other side whole. You just know, however, that this plot--ah, I mean post--will have a twist.  So let's start with Richard Rohr's Daily Meditation, and I will endeavor to apply his guidance to our journeys through life AND indestructibility.  

Dying Into Life

The Wisdom traditions look at dying and resurrection differently than we've been taught--at least in main stream Christianity.  And, just in case you're about to tune out because I've said something that typically bores or offends you, please read on.  Several of you are dealing with "destructibility" issues right now, and all of us will deal with them at some point in time during our lives.  Rohr says:
Death is not just the death of the physical body, but all the times we hit bottom and must let go of how we thought life should be...
Now, I've got your attention.  I've experienced "hitting bottom," and I've lived beside people who have lost children unexpectedly, who have lost spouses unexpectedly, who have lost parents unexpectedly, who have experienced debilitating health issues, who have lost jobs unexpectedly, who have lost life savings unexpectedly, who have lost siblings at a young age, who have experienced divorce unexpectedly, who have watched their companies experience rapid decline, and really, the examples could go on.  The examples of how "we hit bottom" are countless and usually don't happen just once in our lives. Here is where the plot gets interesting.  Let me continue to explain by returning to the quote from Rohr:
...must let go of how we thought life should be and surrender to a Larger Power.  And in that sense, we all probably go through many deaths in our lifetime.  These deaths to the small self (ego) are tipping points, opportunities to choose transformation early.  Unfortunately, most people turn bitter and look for someone to blame.  So their death is indeed death for them, because they close down to growth and new life. But if you do choose to walk through the depths--even the depths of your own sin and mistakes--you will come out the other side, knowing you've been taken there by a Source larger than yourself.  Surely this is what it means to be saved. Being saved doesn't mean that you are any better than anyone else or will be whisked off into heaven.  It means you've allowed and accepted the mystery of transformation here and now. If we are to speak of miracles, the most miraculous thing of all is that God uses the very thing that would normally destroy you--the tragic, sorrowful, painful, or unjust--to transform and enlighten you.  Now you are indestructible; there are no dead ends....This is not a one-time cosmic transaction, but the constant pattern of all growth and change.
 

What Does This Mean To Me?

I watch all of us hang on to ways of life, ways of thinking, ways of doing that no longer serve us.  I hear people say things like, "I just want to get through this so I can get back to my normal life." What if you're not supposed to get back to your normal life.  What if you're supposed to allow the "death" you are experiencing to transform your way of being, your way of thinking, your way of behaving?  What if there's a deeper message and you're being "pursued" to open yourself to the learning it can teach.  What if your greatest living is yet to come when you listen and allow the lessons to soak in, changing your thinking, your beliefs and, therefore, your outcomes?  What if you are indestructible because you are reborn to a new way of approaching your changed life? What if...?  Maybe you really are a superhero?!?!    
So, I’m sorting through “life” right now–yeah, I know–I’m always sorting through life.  But, I’m trying to figure out where next career and job-wise.  Some opportunities are presenting themselves which is exciting, AND it makes it difficult for someone like me to know which way I should turn. Late last night I opened a bottle of “Honest Tea” to take a few sips before I headed off to bed.  You’ve heard me talk before about Honest Tea and the quotes they have inside their bottle caps.  So, the bottle cap is lying quote side up on my kitchen counter top, and I was bending over my counter deep in thought.  I wasn’t focused on anything; I was just zoned out thinking about some of the options I need to sort through.  Quite frankly I was feeling tired and overwhelmed. Suddenly my focus zoomed in on the cap and I moved closer to read the quote.  Here it is:  
The ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought and found how to serve.    ~Albert Schweitzer
  Hmmmm.  I think that was timely on the universe’s part, and I still believe there is no such thing as a coincidence!
From a fellow SWOG:
Let It Go from Danna Faulds Let go of the ways you thought life would unfold: the holding of plans or dreams or expectations – Let it all go. Save your strength to swim with the tide. The choice to fight what is here before you now will only result in struggle, fear, and desperate attempts to flee from the very energy you long for. Let go. Let it all go and flow with the grace that washes through your days whether you received it gently or with all your quills raised to defend against invaders. Take this on faith; the mind may never find the explanations that it seeks, but you will move forward nonetheless. Let go, and the wave’s crest will carry you to unknown shores, beyond your wildest dreams or destinations. Let it all go and find the place of rest and peace, and certain transformation
Trust and surrender dear SWOGs.  Trust and surrender.
Here's one to think about:

THE APPOINTMENT

What if, on the first sunny day, On your way to work, a colorful bird Sweeps in front of you down a Street you’ve never heard of. You might pause and smile, A sweet beginning to your day. Or you might step into that street And realize there are many ways to work. You might sense the bird knows something You don’t and wander after. You might hesitate when the bird Turns down an alley.  For now There is a tension:  Is what the Bird knows worth being late? You might go another block or two, Thinking you can have it both ways. But soon you arrive at the edge Of all your plans. The bird circles back for you And you must decide which Appointment you were Born to keep.   ~Mark Nepo
Wow.  I just came home from a celebration of life service honoring a 42-year old man who lost a very short battle to cancer.  He was the son of one of my former bosses, and I had met him only once-- so I was mostly there in support of his parents. After this 2-hour celebration filled with stories, laughter, tears and all emotions that go along with those, I feel like I know him better and more importantly heard the valuable lessons of how he lived. Zach resided in multiple places in the United States over his relatively short life.  He grew up in Pennsylvania but spent considerable time in New York City, Philadelphia, Colorado and finally California.  He majored in an engineering discipline in college but he ended up studying the ways of Native Americans in the west.  I remember his father scratching and shaking his head multiple times over the years when I would ask how his son was doing, and he usually ended with something like, "I'm not sure if he'll ever settle down and figure out what to do."  Of course his father--a classic baby boomer--was used to the ways of choosing a career discipline and following that discipline throughout your life until retirement. Ah, but the stories today.  The free spirit; the kindness; the sense of humor; the "being present" for people in his life; the choosing warmth, openness and helpfulness over impatience and aggravation; the making everyone that entered a room--even his hospital room at the end of his life--feel welcomed and honored; the singing in the shower and the car; the laughter; the hikes; the honoring nature; the loving animals; the being present for children.  I'm not kidding.  Person after person (and there were quite a few who spoke) had the stories to back up the character that was Zach. The last gentleman who spoke was a friend from Colorado.  He told us that just before he left for the airport to make the flight across the country for the service, he made a decision to change out of his dress clothes--so sure he was that Zach was laughing at him from somewhere in the spirit world.  And, instead he put on a flannel shirt, hiking pants, and substituted a duffel bag and a cooler for his suitcase.  He spoke of Zach the way everyone else had but somehow he captured the spirit of Zach in this last quote--from Tecumseh, a Shawnee leader from the 18th and 19th centuries:
Live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart.  Trouble no one about his religion.  Respect others in their views and demand that they respect yours.  Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life.  Seek to make your life long and of service to your people.  Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.  Always give a word or sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend, or even a stranger, if in a lonely place.  Show respect to all people, but grovel to none.  When you rise in the morning, give thanks for the light, for your life, for your strength.  Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living.  If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies in yourself.  Touch not the poisonous firewater that makes wise ones turn to fools and robs their spirit of its vision.  When your turn comes to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way.  Sing your death song, and die like a hero going home.
Zach was an accomplished photographer and he had his own blog where he clearly demonstrated his talent and love for nature.  You can access his blog here:  https://feralzach.com/tag/zachary-e-dautrich/ Many of you know I've been aware of red tail hawks flying close above me on numerous occasions in the last year.  Well, Zach loved red tail hawks and has numerous gorgeous shots of them on his blog.  On the way out of the service today, we were handed a post card with one of Zach's red tail hawk photos on one side and the Tecumseh quote on the other.  Wow.  There are messages here for me to learn. Finally, I will send a note to Zach's parents to thank them for the service and for Zach.  I think his father, in particular, now has his answer about Zach's calling.  It wasn't so much about what Zach was "doing" that mattered...it was what he was "being" that brought so much joy, respect, laughter and peace to so many people who filled that room today. Rest well dear SMOG.      
I have been struggling for a long time with what I perceive as the polarization of America.  It hurts to see us so dug into our convictions and so unwilling to listen to others' points of view. One might argue this time period is no worse than it was in the 1960's during the Vietnam conflict.  I know there are a handful of you who remember more than a few passing perceptions and news stories of that time.  Those who have those vivid memories will often say, in many ways, that conflict was worse.  Or how about Nixon and Watergate.  This was also a very divisive time in our nation's history.  Go back in time even farther and you have the Civil War and the slavery issue.  Talk about divisive--when we had a whole set of states seceding from the Union. Perhaps the difference between Civil War times and now is the accessibility of information through dozens of broadcast media sources as well as explosion of social media outlets.  In addition, I learned something else on Sunday of this week when I listened to a report on CBS Sunday Morning, so I did a bit more research and this is basically what I found:
The Fairness Doctrine was a policy of the United States Federal Communications Commission (FCC), introduced in 1949, that required the holders of broadcast licenses both to present controversial issues of public importance and to do so in a manner that was — in the Commission's view — honest, equitable, and balanced. The FCC, which was believed to have been under pressure from then President Ronald Reagan, eliminated the Doctrine in 1987. The FCC formally removed the language that implemented the Doctrine, in August of 2011. The Fairness Doctrine had two basic elements: It required broadcasters to devote some of their airtime to discussing controversial matters of public interest, and to air contrasting views regarding those matters. Stations were given wide latitude as to how to provide contrasting views: It could be done through news segments, public affairs shows, or editorials. The doctrine did not require equal time for opposing views but required that contrasting viewpoints be presented. The demise of this FCC rule has been considered by some to be a contributing factor for the rising level of party polarization in the United States.
Ah.  Interesting.  The year 1987 marks the birth of broadcast ideologies without a necessity to present opposing points of view.  So, now I get how the likes of Rush Limbaugh on the right and Rachel Maddow on the left can get away with saying things that seem--to those of us in the relative middle--unbelievably outrageous.  It also explains why polarization is alive and well in these times.  Naturally we all have biases based on a variety of influences in our lives, and you don't have to go too far to find someone in either national media or social media outlets who supports our particular viewpoint.  And we all know that--as a general rule--we tend to be drawn to people like ourselves--who look like us, who sound like us, and who believe like us.  It's harder to be in relationship with people who have divergent points of view.  It's hard to listen to them and open our minds to the views they believe.  It's hard.  Truly hard. And, based on the Adult Stage Development numbers, a majority of Americans don't open our minds to others' perspectives (Skill Centric stage or earlier).  In the old days (my God, I sound like my mother right now!), our elders were story tellers and through their stories they imparted the wisdom and perspectives that they had learned through life.  Our elders' wisdom often came as a result of situations they experienced where their viewpoint was not always the one, the only, and the correct way of looking at things.  And, it usually came when these elders witnessed the youth in their lives experiencing a hurtful situation where the elder could use the story to help the youth learn wonderful life wisdom. Finally, I'm not blaming everyone else for this phenomenon.  I struggle with polarization myself.  I struggle to listen to others who have differing points of view.  I am having to constantly challenge myself, and I often fall short.  But, I'm now one of those elders (eek!)  Don't I have an obligation to push myself to open my mind?  Shouldn't I learn differing ways to look at things?  Shouldn't I refrain from judgment?  Shouldn't I be patient with myself and others?  And, if I'm listening attentively, can I expect--should I expect--the person who is speaking to me will turn around and extend the favor? Hmmm.  Some food for thought and further conversation.      
I found a meaningful quote on a Ten Thousand Villages blog post, written by a woman who has found a way to make her life work even within a challenging economic and sociopolitical system. It was a great reminder for me.  I love sharing my journey on this blog.  I have always been motivated by trying to help others, as well as by sharing my frustrations, joys and learnings.  I have to always remember, however, that my way is not THE way.  It is not the one, the only and/or the RIGHT way.  It's my journey.  Yours is your own. If these posts help you to think, wonderful.  If they help you to learn, fabulous.  If they keep you in touch with who I am becoming, super.  If they inform your development, cool.  If they make you think I've lost my marbles, that's okay too.  It's all good. Journey on, my dear SWOG friends!